As if the good folks at 20th Century Fox hadn’t had enough of my movie reviewing drivel, they sent me a copy of Ice Age 3: Dawn of the Dinosaurs to review. Since my 5YO, Boo, is quite movie-phobic, I had not had the pleasure of seeing the first and second installment of the series, but we didn’t let that stop us. Once I convinced Boo that her apparently fragile film psyche would not be damaged by the viewing, we sat down on a Saturday afternoon and watched it.

As far as the kids went, they watched the DVD like most kids do…sit for five minutes…play for five minutes…ask for a snack…pee…watch until something scary happens…flee…ask mommy to stop folding laundry and come and sit with them…use mommy as a human trampoline…squeeze mom off the couch and steal the blanket….repeat about 20 times until the movie is over.

From a grownup point of view, I found the film to be a fun story with some great grown-up friendly one-liners and interesting characters. I could definitely handle this in the minivan DVD player on a car trip. The slapstick visuals keep the kids entertained and the dialogue would keep me from slitting my wrists after the millionth listen to Mary Poppins.

The basic plot focuses on two mated woolly mammoths as they plan for thr birth of their new baby. As their friends realize how the new addition will impact their group dynamic, the sloth decides to adopt a batch of eggs…dinosaur eggs. His maternal instincts lead him through a rabbit hole into a prehistoric underworld fraught with carnivorous treachery and campy ensemble cast antics. There are moments of high drama that left Boo watching through her hands and whining that it was too scary, but then again she and Doodle cackled at some very funny moments.

There are some valid lessons to be learned from this movie. Lessons for adults and children alike, such as:

1. If you are a boy, never offer your nuts to a girl. It is a trick. She will rip the hairy nut straight from your body.
2. Queen Latifah and Ray Romano: A couple that could only happen in animation.
3. Sloths with lisps are inherently funny.
4. John Leguizamo has a face for voice overs.
5. Eating your playmates is the #1 way to end a playdate.
6. Life is what happens between opportunities to say “yabba dabba do!”
7. Weasel-like prehistoric mammals with sharp teeth and leafy eye patches are always dependable jungle guides.
8. “He who has gas, travels at the end of the pack.” is truly sage wisdom.
9. Kids laugh at burp and fart jokes from birth.
10. Babies are cute even when they’re 200 pounds, furry and with a trunk and tusks.
11. Peaches is not appropriate name for a baby. Unless you are a woolly mammoth or you want your daughter to grow up to be stripper.

In summary, it’s high on the cute factor and very easy on the re-watch. The kids liked it, but they aren’t begging to watch it again and again. I’d recommend it to parents of younger kids who want a fun watch that they can sit through with their kids and enjoy instead of merely tolerate.

The good folks over at 20th Century Fox sent me a copy of Aliens in the Attic to review last month, hoping my mindless drivel would help spur folks to purchase the movie when it was released.

The good news is that I did watch the movie and I did find it mildly amusing. The bad news is that it’s taken me nearly a month to write this review (but I had a really good excuse for my delay) and pretty much anyone who’s going to buy this movie probably has.

However, I won’t the risk of being irrelevant deter me from spouting off. Here’s my take on the movie.

1. The general premise: A suburban family heads to the country for some bonding time with their crazy divorced uncle and his kids and the family matriarch. They are joined by an imposing, hormonally crazed asshole 20-something boyfriend of the teenage daughter. After what appeared to be a lightning strike, the kids discover a band have aliens has arrived with plans to take over the world using mind-control implants that only work on the adults. The kids band together to defeat the aliens.

2. It was a fun, but somewhat stereotypical family movie definitely targeted toward the tween market. My kids are well below the target demographic and, after pre-screening it with another grown-up, we felt most of it was too scary for my movie-sensitive 5 YO daughter and the 2YO would get as much out of it as he would if I made him watch Project Runway.

3. Watching Kevin Nealon playing an authoritarian parent role made me feel really old. Tim Meadows as the town sheriff pretty much put the nail in the coffin.

4. The film seemed to nearly steal some moments from other alien movies. For example, the interactions between the youngest child and the “good” alien felt so much like the exchanges between Gertie and E.T., I had a palpable craving for Reese’s Pieces.

5. The best scene: the fight scene between Nana Rose (Doris Roberts) and the boyfriend Rickey (Robert Hoffman). Think John Woo meets Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon meets Street Fighter.

So, in summary, it was a cute, but definitely followed the the trite recipe for family action-ish comedy that crowds DVD shelves in entertainment centers across the country. It reminded me of Herbie the Love Bug and the Apple Bottom Gang from my childhood. Just swap Don Knotts out with Doris Roberts and the surly cowboys with some remote-control wielding aliens and you’ve got it covered.

If you’re looking for a fun, family friendly gift for a tween in your life this holiday season, I’m sure they’d enjoy it. If you’re looking for thought provoking action films, I’d stick with the 10th anniversary edition of Fight Club.

Last week, I caught a showing of Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs in Downtown Disney. Yes, I saw it without my kids. In my defense, my five-year-old daughter  had no interest in seeing it and there’s no way my two-year-old son was going to sit still long enough for anyone to enjoy the show. So, it was date night and dinner was on the screen.

Overall, it was a really cute movie. From what I’ve heard, the story is a departure from the literary version, but the general concept remains: Boy inventor creates machine that makes food fall from the sky. Wackyness ensues. Hero wins the day. Very much the stuff that’s made Disney millions over the years. And in this case, deservedly so.

I wish my daughter had been with me to see this. She gets a little freaked out by scary villains, and the only true antagonist here was bad behavior – greed, gluttony and pride, along with some well-intentioned parental pushing/child-trying-to-make-dad-proud motivations. Oh, and there’s some very cute “impress the girl” moments.

The movie does get a little preachy in some parts, but the lessons are not lost on me. Here are some of the few I noted during the film. Yes, these will make more sense if/when you see the film, so if you haven’t feel free to print out the list and take it with you. It’ll be like I’m sitting next to you and filling your ears with my whispery snarks. Trust me, it’ll enhance the experience.

Lessons learned from Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs:

• An economy dependent on sardines is doomed to fail.
• Sardines need better PR.
• Tesla rocks.
• Mr. T is hilarious, especially when he’s drawn in tiny shorts and a reverse Mohawk.
• Men with unibrows are inherently oppressive and monkeys named Steve are inherently funny.
• Smart girls are hot.
• I can spend an entire animated movie guessing voices.
• There is never an inappropriate time for bacon.
• Food puns are always bad.
• Those aren’t chocolate snowballs.
• First dates with jello are romantic.
• People who tease nerds should have their asses kicked.
• Boys DO make passes at girls who wear glasses.
• There is no graceful exit from a jello castle.
• Kids want to make their parents proud.
• Parents want their kids to learn from their wisdom.
• Bigger isn’t always better.
• Genetic mutation = bad
• Tux t-shirts are an awesome fashion statement only when complimented by a lab coat.
• Fat men in diapers are always disturbing.
• I hate tornadoes. Even spaghetti tornadoes.
• Cute furry animals can always be a dangerous distraction.
• Vegas buffets are deadly.
• Parents will kiss their kids after they puke. That’s love, I tell you.
• Make sure your parents know how to use the Internet in case you need to save the world.
• Mama’s gotta be a good wide receiver.
• Putting the word “Chicken” before you name makes you a pseudo hero.
• Never fake a nut allergy.
• Gummi bears are evil.
• Pee before you see this movie.
• Sad monkeys make me cry.
• Invent species that can save you later.
• Get that monkey’s translator thing. I totally need that in a few years for the “sex talk” with the kids.
• Blowfish kisses are hawt.

So, go see the movie and enjoy. We passed on the 3-D version, but I’d love to hear of anyone who experienced the true theatrical food fight.